I just spent a weekend in St. Petersburg. After the weekend, I am wondering what is most important... the experience/the memory? Why do I go places? To be there? To say I've been there? To remember I've been there? All weekend, I had to continue having this same thought: I can't let the people around me suck the beauty, splendor, purpose, and meaning out of the things I am trying to experience.
A prime example: on the final bus tour of the weekend, we stopped at a cathedral for a few moments. The exterior resembled most other cathedrals in Russia because of the gold leaf domes that were on top. We were told we could spend five minutes there. On my way off the bus, I overheard some others who had chosen to remain on the bus. They said they really don't care to get off the bus. That it was nothing new, the same thing we've been seeing. A building with gold things on top... They were happy to get the five minutes of sleep while we were stopped. I wasn't terribly excited for this particular sight. Truthfully, I don't even remember the name of the cathedral... Regardless, I was given a brief opportunity to experience something and I wanted to take advantage of that.
To be very honest, I've been having to spend extra energy on keeping myself present and hungry for experience. The attitude of the ones who remained on the bus really shook me and reminded me that I care. I care about beauty, colors, construction, honor, respect, gratitude, meaning, purpose... the list goes on and on. It reminded me that I have the power to have my own experience and that thought really raised my spirits.
Reflecting on this now, I'm feeling much better about my time so far in Russia. I've sometimes been feeling like I'm wasting it. I've been hard on myself for not always acting with direction, challenging myself, pushing my limits, filling myself with knowledge, absorbing as much as possible... After my weekend in St. Petersburg, I feel validated that I am staying true to who I am. I'm learning how to experience here -- how to dispel expectations and discover worth.
This weekend in St. Petersburg reignited my flames of motivation and inspiration! Visiting the Hermitage was my favorite. I was captivated by the paintings and the sculptures. I was basking in ideas of how to incorporate art into my acting and movement -- especially movement. I was excited by my idea of using paintings and sculptures to explore psychological gesture. I thought of exercises I could create for myself: to create what were to happen if I could press play on a painting or sculpture. I wanted to bring them all to life! I even thought my idea of creating theatre inspired by artwork could help me to start building my Third Onion (a program within the theatre department at NIU that allows students to put up their own productions). I've been fantasizing about writing one for 2 years now! I'm so excited to have a project!! I feel my blood moving... I have color again!
Stay tuned. I have finally gained my bearings -- I feel myself beginning to soar!
